Another day, another delay. But most of you probably arn’t reading this the day of, so the fact that I’m calling out the delay is the only reason why you would even notice it… maybe I should erase all this and start over… but I’m not gonna cause this is a lot of text and I hate coming up with intros. They’re almost as poorly designed as my transitions…
Now lemme tell ya’ll about this bad haircut I got. For any of you working in the same office as me, I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve been wearing a hat this entire week. And I know word has already spread so lemme just document the atrocity that is a Ames haircut so future generations will take head.
Lemme start with a preface, I didn’t absentmindedly just walk into any old barber shop. I did research and risk analysis to avoid this outcome, but it was inevitable. It started with a google search of barbers, looked through some pictures for people of my demographic; came up with nothing. Then I got some recommendations from some Ames residents. I found someone who I thought I could trust clearly I was mistaken, I should have considered the fact that his hair was 1/100th the length of my own.
So now I’m walking into the shop on a Saturday morning, a scheduled appointment. The place looks clean enough, music at a too high volume, sports on the TV, and a very strict on the hour schedule, all good signs. Then the professional does something that alleviates all of my skepticism. He pulled out one of those single blade straight edge razors and starts lining up the current gentlemen’s head. Some of you out there might not know this, but only the most confident of barbers would ever do something as bold as dice someone up with one of those.
I get called up and I join him with a thoughtless smile, thinking that nothing could go wrong. I give him the usual script that I give all of my first time barbers “Shape me up, fade the sides, clean up the top”, simple yet effective. Then he does something that worried me greatly; he started asking follow up questions. And not just one or two, dozens of questions that I was fully unprepared for; fade length, top height, puff geometry. I never would have expected this type of interrogation from such a simple description yet here I was. Making up length sizes and gesturing parametric hair shapes just trying to give this man a glimmer of an idea of what I was looking for. Clearly I had failed. While he was mid-cut and I saw the large swath of hair rolling down my barber cape, I already knew mistakes were made. At that point I had no choice but to close my eyes and pray silently. When he showed me that mirror at the end of the cut my first thought came to that one guy from Recess.
I had to confirm the extent of the awfulness with some of my friends back home. I was unprepared for the roast session that proceeded. I’ve decided that I must return and get the most basic of cuts, the buzzcut. This coming Saturday I will be returning to get my money worth, please wish me luck.
And now to get my mid off things for a bit.