Hey. I’m gonna be real on this post. This isn’t gonna be another of those lighthearted posts of what I did recently and how good it has been. I have a couple things I need to get off chest as they’ve been haunting me knawing at my insides these past two days. I must get them out. I can’t simply bury them within me or they’ll resurge later on causing more problems. They want to come out. So therefore, I will let them free. Here goes:

Right after lunch Friday, each SPIRE-EIT intern met with their team of mentors who are going to be helping and overseeing their group’sresearch projects. All the groups with their faculty and graduate students met in one conference room and the do-director of SPIRE-EIT and VRAC gave a really important presentation with the purpose of improving our teamwork in the long run.

One of the activities we did in the middle of the presentation were brainstorming in groups, fears/concerns each person has about research and sharing them. The other was reflecting about traits about ourselves we can’t change and others that we could. The purpose of the second one (if I really correctly) was to accept that there traits about ourselves that we cannot change that can affect how we behave.

So, since Friday’s meeting with all the groups talking about each person’s fears regarding their future experience with the project, I have come to realize my own. I’ve carried a lot more than just my luggage when I came here to Iowa. I’ve carried the baggage that lies within my heart.

My fears, my worries, my doubts are some of the things I’ve carried within me. You see, I am the only hispanic person here in SPIRE-EIT, and one of only 3 minorities. Although I am proud of my Hispanic roots as a Puerto Rican, I feel like being the only one here gives means like I have higher expectations. I know it’s not true, but that’s how I feel. This expection ties into another, albeit negative, reason that’s driving me to try my hardest.

This next reason is that I don’t want to fail my teammates in our research project. I am in the computer science field and I must represent that well. Plus, I don’t feel like I am fully prepared for the research project. I haven’t taken the full advantage of my education in PR, despite its limited resources in my university back home relative to most colleges in the US. And I’m not the that skilled in programming overall, which is I think is my biggest weakness and doubts I have on myself. I’m not confident in my skills as a programmer, despite it being an integral part of of a computer science degree. I’m worried this might set me and my team back, especially since I’m the the only CS major on it. I’ve placed these expectations on myself to do well because I don’t want to let my peers and faculty down, which are all really nice. I’ve been given so many opportunities here and I must pay it all back by being successful in the project. Failure is not an option for me…

So that’s what’s up. I’m in a tough predicament of self-pressure because of my racial identity and also because of my lack in confidence. The second reason is actually the biggest factor that’s holding me back.

—But on the bright side, I really like helping people and I’m really driven because I want to make an impact here. I want to leave SPIRE-EIT having made a difference and knowing that I will have helped future 3D scanning practices of bullets having become more easy which would save so much time and speed up the advancement of forensic science in regards to the identification of shot bullet characteristics. This hope is something I ride on.

I also want my peers to be happy, and this includes everyone, even my peers who are not in my research project group. I want to have influenced them for the better, even if it’s just a little bit and subtle. We’ve only got 9 more weeks here and that’s one of my goals I have here. Even if they forget me, when we go our separate ways and we head back to our homes in whatever part of the US they’re from, I only hope I served to make a difference in the time here, liking helping them become more open to sharing their feelings with others, which serves to foster communication and bonding. I hope my openness will help them see that. It’s one of the reasons I expose myself a lot (which is an accurate trait of the ENFJ’s in the “academically unsupported” Myers-Briggs test). It’s to help be themselves more.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. It’s pretty late in the morning (Sunday 2:24 AM) and I’ve got to get up at 9. Thanks for reading and I hope you’ve taken something away from this blog post. I’m just keeping it real. This is me. This is who I am. This is Emmanuelle.

Take care everyone. I’ll make more “real” posts in the future when I have the time and if I need to get something off my chest. I think I have expressed most of my thoughts and feelings and I’m more relaxed now.

I’ll work hard and do my best here at SPIRE all while having fun and helping others in the process. I will make the most of this opportunity. That I can say with certainty. Good night people. Until next time.

—Emman Out.