First coming into this program, I was not at all sure what I was stepping into. On the plane ride here my mind was racing with questions like “How are the people gonna be?”, “Am I going to fit in?”, “Do I even belong?” I kept staring out the window, rehearsing possible conversations in my head, trying to picture what the next 10 weeks might look like, and honestly, I couldn’t. I was scared. Scared of being behind, of not connecting with anyone, of wasting an opportunity I wasn’t even sure I deserved.

I kept telling myself to just get through the first week. Then maybe the next. But something strange happened, I didn’t just “get through” anything. I found people who laughed with me, worked with me, challenged me, and saw me for who I was. Slowly, that fear started turning into comfort. Then comfort turned into joy. Then joy turned into something even deeper, a real sense of belonging.

10 weeks later, the only question on my mind now is “Can I do it all over again?” I truly cannot justify my gratitude to everyone responsible for having even the tiniest part of making this program come to life. You all have made my summer so much more special, and I thank you all from the absolute bottom of my heart.

Just yesterday, my mom asked me “if you had the choice, would you do it all again?” My answer to that: If it meant breaking my collarbone again at the end every single time, I would do it 100 times over again in a heartbeat (Sorry Eliot, but sleeping in your basement is just too nice to pass up on). This program, this summer, the memories, everyone I’ve met, the experiences, they all mean more to me than any bone in my body. Not to hate on or invalidate anyone, but I remember hearing a few other interns say how getting 5,500 instead of 7,000 felt misleading and wrong. To me, I’d sacrifice my paycheck if it meant being able to participate in this program. The connections I made, the material I’ve learned, the fun I’ve had, they are all priceless. No amount of money can buy all the laughs I got from hiding nearly 50 bananas in VRAC, having random hypothetical and deep talks with Nathan in our dorm, seeing everyone’s smiles during game nights, hearing Eliot jokingly pick on me for 100th time, the amount of love and support I received after breaking my collarbone (sorry for milking it, it just truly means the world to me how amazing you all were and I couldn’t be more thankful to every single one of you), or any of the invaluable skills I learned regarding research, communication, and a million other things.

The day I had to leave early still replays in my mind, even until now. Seeing everyone who I spent the summer learning about, joking with, and building a connection with come together to give me such a special and loving send off, well, I just couldn’t help but cry. I only wish I could have had 5 more minutes to say a much better goodbye to everyone. Even in the shuttle on the way to the airport, I cried, a lot, and it was plenty of tears later that I remembered that life moves on. If you spend too much time looking at how pretty the view is behind you, you’ll miss the hundreds of other even better ones in front of you.

As I sit here typing this, I realize that no matter where I go or what I do, a part of me will always be tied to the people, the moments, and the lessons that shaped this experience. Because the truth is, I don’t think I’ll ever get this back. Not like this. Not these people, not this exact feeling, not this version of me. And that hurts more than I know how to explain. I didn’t realize how much it meant until it was already gone. I always downplayed my goodbye and how much time I had left, until it stared me dead in the face. I like to think that one day I’ll get to be surrounded by all the same people again. But I won’t, and no matter how many times I replay it in my head, it’s over. That’s what’s been hardest to accept.

But in all that sadness, I also found something else, clarity. I’ve finally realized that I do belong. That I’m capable of more than I give myself credit for. Being here didn’t just teach me how to do research or give a presentation. It showed me what it feels like to be surrounded by people who believe in you before you even believe in yourself. It taught me that greatness doesn’t come from never doubting yourself, but rather, it comes from showing up anyway, again and again, until the doubt starts to quiet down. This program gave me more than memories, it gave me proof. Proof that I have a place in rooms like this. That I can contribute. That I can lead. That I can become someone the old me would’ve been proud of. And from now on, that’s what I’m chasing, not perfection, not praise, not past feelings, but the better version of myself that walked out of this summer taller, stronger, and ready for whatever comes next.

As much as I know that I should focus on the other many views in front of me, I’d like to look at this view for a little longer, hopelessly wishing for just 5 more minutes with all of you.

Thank you all so much for an unforgettable summer experience. I only pray our many paths cross again sometime soon (just hopefully not while on a bike).

Sincerely, with all the love in the world,

– Jake Shaheen 🍌