Let’s be honest. I really do not enjoy blogging…
When I first heard about this aspect of the program I was so intrigued by the idea of sharing our thoughts. I thought it’d be a fun form of expression while we experience this whole new environment. And it was. For 5 seconds. Then I realized that anytime I am writing in a format similar to this, I am writing to and for myself. To me, journaling is like letting go of the constant thoughts that swarm my mind. Writing them down on paper so I can let them out but not discard of them. I guess these blogs are doing something similar, keeping track of the variety of experiences throughout the program. Yet, my expression on this blog is not authentic. I curate a post that summarizes some selected amount of time that aligns with the way I’d like to be perceived.
This pondering is not limited to these blogs, truthfully I question the authenticity of many things around me. Here are some of my thoughts about my presence on social media:
"Often I debate whether or not I should share my curated life on here. Beyond my minimal influence, I acknowledge how much we as individuals contribute to shaping a platform that feeds into comparison and perfection. Sometimes it feels wrong to perpetuate the cycle by adding equally as hand-picked media. I question if those who seem to post with ease are using media as a form of manifestation, a physical visualization of their higher self. I try to believe that dreaming is my intention, while in reality, the root of my curation is to aesthetically please the eyes of others. Is it possible that we're all just swimming in circles, perpetuating cycles we’re not conscious of?"
This psychoanalysis of my surroundings allows me to identify previously undefined connections. Yet, it can be quite dissociating at times and this caption to an Instagram post titled “Distance and Dissociation” captures those feelings:
"For a while now I've been disconnected, viewing my life from a third-person perspective. Trying to anticipate my every move; I've been attached to unknown outcomes. It took new trauma to remind me of the significance of faith and the impact of self-doubt. Previously I imagined the only hurt we’d have to heal was from our childhood. In reality, I am just barely scratching the surface of adulthood and the universe has been introducing hardships and lessons that I’ve been reluctant to learn for a while now. Throughout my journey towards a higher state of consciousness and understanding of self, I observed myself plateau at a similar place each time. I'd grow to the point of self-actualization only to tumble back down as doubt began to creep back in. No matter how stable I could make my perception of my environment feel, did I ever evolve beyond the doubt that consumed my mind and actions? Beneath the surface laid comparisons and measures of success that did not align with my pace and intentions. Resonating in a deep place of ego and fear blurred my perception of reality and silenced me with doubt. I am beginning to set aside the energy I need to heal and release the urge to control the elements around me."
Clearly I’m not the best at those few-word catchy Instagram phrases or lyric captions…
Welp. Here is the reality of my mind, filled to the absolute brim with philosophical pondering about life. Most of which may go unanswered. I’m beginning to accept that I won’t be able to answer the abundance of questions. However, I still enjoy the reflection. And I hope you did too.
Bye now!
Thank you. I really enjoyed the post. As you get older you will learn that you often have to accept without understanding, and it’s ok.
This post reminded me a bit of a psychology speaker I heard who was focusing on older teens and people in their 20s who would go on journeys (e.g., backpack through Europe) to “find themselves.” He said that they often conceptualized themselves as something with layers that needed to be peeled back to find the true core of their identity. But he said social psychology suggests that that’s not really accurate. We’re more like onions, where if you keep peeling, there’s really nothing in the middle. Instead, we are a product of our actions and the people we associate with. For example, if you hang around with musicians and sometimes play music, you’re a musician. If you choose to spend your time in an online Lego fan community, you’re a Lego fan. If you like helping others in food kitchens, you’re a volunteer. He said the identity piece is really just about the choices you make and where you dedicate your time. I’m not arguing that he was necessarily 100% correct, but that’s a very pragmatic viewpoint, in case useful.